Confessions

Hello, strangers.

It’s been far too long. I’m starting to feel the void of not blogging affect my motivation.

I will give you a brief explanation for my absence.

After my last post in early January, I came down with a cold on two separate occasions, recovering enough in between to just return to normal life before becoming sick again. I also went to PT for my hip flexor and made great progress. I thoroughly enjoyed my therapist, who is a runner herself and runs a small, private practice. Wonderful atmosphere and I learned much from her in only three sessions. Because of the large breaks of inactivity while sick, I was unable to run my first marathon at the end of February. This was very hard for me, as I was fundraising for Compassion International. However, I had my two fundraising events and raised almost $1,000 (twice my goal)! Praise God!

I also got 4 teeth pulled to make room for braces, which were put on a couple weeks ago. That knocked me out for another two weeks 🙂 I just started running again last week and am struggling. I have managed a 20 min. nonstop run, but that is a far-cry from the 17 miles I ran just two months ago!

Here’s the confession part. I have this habit of, when I am sick, being careless about my diet. I think of it as “time off”. So I eat whatever I want. That means sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. In December I went from 138 lbs. (prior to my 3 week illness) to 143 lbs. In January I crept up to 150 lbs. I now stand around 158 lbs. However, that was a few weeks ago, and I can’t bring myself to get on a scale because seeing that number, after all my hard work, just kills me. I know numbers shouldn’t be so important, but I’ve become so used to letting them measure my success. How fast I ran x miles, how far I ram, how many pounds I’ve lost. In short, I’ve gained back almost all of the weight I spent 21 months losing. In just three month. I’ve always wished I could have been one of those people who didn’t have to worry about weight before becoming an adult, who was never overweight. One of those kids who could join the track team and simply enjoy running. Never have to think about calories or perfectly balanced meals.

My spirit is really crushed. I feel like I’m drowning and it’s really affecting the rest of my life. Everyday I tell myself that this is the day I will eat clean. I set some little goal and fall short every time. I honestly don’t know what to do. How can I get back to where I was? Is it even worth it any more? Can I ever reach my goals? These are the thoughts in my head. I’m having trouble being proud of me. Sorry if this is depressing, but I just needed to let it out. I know you guys understand.  Feel free to share anything you want.

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